On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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