Even the bartender felt bad for me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
