Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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