I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
