Swine flu. Run for my life!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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