We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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