did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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