my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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