were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Sober January is a disaster.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
