Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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