drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize