I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
