My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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