My sheets look like a crime scene.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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