Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
