can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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