I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
