we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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