I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
