cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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