News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
NoShamevember. You game?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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