My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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