come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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