And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
