he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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