I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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