Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
