If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
