Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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