also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it penis luge time yet?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
