In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
