Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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