There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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