He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
