I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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