If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
