dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
