we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
