remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do vagina's smell?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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