we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
