Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
