low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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