Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize