I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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