Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
