it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
