I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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