I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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