She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize