i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
