My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
