And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize