Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
