Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
