He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
