I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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