well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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