Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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