I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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