Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
