tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
