Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
