I faked an abortion last night.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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