I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
