My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
