I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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