I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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