i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
