His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
false alarm, still single
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
