I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize